Back in the late 90s/early 2000's in my youth group, we would write affirmations to each other each retreat on poster boards. Being the sentimental pack-rat that I am, I kept them all through at least part of college, slowly getting rid of them (or maybe they are just hidden in a pile somewhere). I'm down to my last one, and it hasn't been on my wall in years - mostly because I'm lazy about decorating my bedroom. As I am moving in 2.5 months, I'm trying to weed through my piles of unnecessary possessions and today I started on the posters. If it's not actually going on my wall in Atlanta, it's not going with me, at least in poster form. So this particular one I cut into pieces by paragraph and made it into a scrapbook page.
Its weird, but it was almost painful cutting into that piece of paper. I'd had it for so long, and it's meant so much to me for so many years, a reminder of my friends and faith during high school. And while I'm not disowning that, it's no longer necessary to be on my wall. But since I want to keep the words, it made since to make it portable and put it in my scrapbook. As I cut it, I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't ruining it. I mean, the words, the important part, were still there. But as I cut it, I knew it wouldn't the be same. My poster fit into my hand when I was done.
In some ways, this sort of symbolizes my faith journey lately. I'm not who I was at 17. Which is okay, good even...! It wouldn't be healthy to not have changed and grown in almost 10 years. But as I take my beliefs from then and try and fit my life into them, it's not the same. It looks different. And I have to remind myself that although it looks different, the words are still the same. The important part is still there. It's not that I've left my faith or changed what I believe drastically, it's just that my walk with God is going to be different at 26 than it was at 16 or 17.
Instead of keeping my poster under my bed for the rest of my life, I cut it up to be able to read it often with less dust and clutter. In the same way, I need to rework some parts of my faith so that I'm walking with God now, not trying to act or feel like I did at 14, or 17, or 22. I like the idea of making memorials, or remembering where I came from and all of the good (and bad) things in my life. This is one reason I love scrapbooking so much; its an opportunity to remember and preserve the good times I've had with family and friends. Especially for my faith, the idea of remembering is even Biblical, like when Joshua built a memorial to remember God's provision in getting them across the Jordan. Built a monument, remember the good that God has done... and keep walking. It's also important to not get stuck in the past and trying to keep living there.
So as I weed through stuff, I'm trying to simultaneously built memorials and keep walking. And to remember that its better that my faith change and grow, as confusing and painful as that can be, than to remain forever 17, as good as that year was.
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