The conversation I have in my head at least once a day:

Emotions: This is really frustrating.

Brain: What is frustrating?

E: Trying to get ANYTHING done.

B: Well, you are still learning the system.

E: Their system sucks.

B: Come on, just cause it’s not how we do it in America doesn’t mean it’s bad.

E: But I feel like less gets done in their system, and it takes way longer.

B: Well no system is perfect.  And this is a developing country.  If they had all their crap together, Peace Corps wouldn’t be here.

E: I guess.  I just feel like the things that are lacking prevent me from doing much.

B: Like what?

E: Well the ministry of Education (MOE) wants us to do lifeskills.  That’s kind of hard when there aren’t enough teachers and the kids are hungry.

B: All school systems, probably in the entire world, need more teachers.  Ask your friends in the states, I’m almost positive they’d say the same thing- lack of teachers and lack of resources.

E: This is different.  This is entire classes being left with no teacher for multiple terms, and then yelled at for failing their classes.

B: Ok.  How can you fix that?

E: Um, I can’t.  Even if I were to just randomly start teaching a few classes, which technically I’m not supposed to do, there would still be lots of classes without teachers.  And I don’t think the kids would understand me anyway,

B: Ok.  So you aren’t going to be able to fix everything.  You aren’t superwoman.  That’s probably the first step to lessening your frustrations.

E: I’m not trying to be superwoman, I just want to actually have something work!

B: What about your PACT clubs?

E: What about them?  It’s taken more than a month just to try and start them, and I still don’t know if I have teachers on board.

B: Kids show up to the one at Lempu.

E: Yeah but the teachers don’t.

B: I didn’t say it’s perfect, but it’s something.

E: But the point of my being here is to build teacher capacity.  Running the club on my own won’t do that.

B: You are here for many reasons, one of which is capacity building.  That’s not limited to teachers; I’d say it also counts with students.

E: So I should just focus on the students and do everything myself?  That’s not sustainable.

B: I didn’t say stop trying with the teachers, I just said don’t discount the impact you are having on the students, even if it doesn’t seem like much.  Building lifeskills in students is really long-term sustainability.

E: Ok.  I’d really like to actually work with teachers though.  And that is my frustration with the lack of resources.  They seem to actually want to help, but are often too busy and overwhelmed.

B: Well, getting things off the ground often takes more work than sustaining them.  If you get the clubs going, trying to draw them in as much as possible, they may feel less overwhelmed at the idea of keeping them going with you.

E: Yeah, but they are still really busy.

B: Remember getting in arguments with you parents in high school about homework and stuff?  Was the issue really being too busy, or priorities?

E: Usually priorities.  So I’m supposed to have them prioritize clubs over classes? That’s whack.

B: No, I don’t think they have to make that decision.  You just have to help them understand the importance of the clubs, that even though there are no examinations involved, that they still really help the students. If you can get the teachers to prioritize some of these activities, they will make time for them.  They’ll figure out how to work it in their schedule.

E: That’s easier said than done.

B: That’s probably a good description of Peace Corps in a nutshell.  Besides, the hardest part is done- they care.  Making someone care is infinitely harder than getting them to work on something they already care about.

E: Yeah.  What about my hungry students?

B: Feed them?

E: With what? I can’t pull paleche out of thin air.

B: Doesn’t your school have a garden?

E: In theory.

B: I think your friend already pointed out, theoretical tomatoes are much less useful than real ones.

E: :P

B: Look into the garden- if 200 students are planting vegetables, that should help with the food problem.  Be creative.

E: Arg.

B: Now what?

E: It’s just… I worry that anything I do is going to turn out wrong.  I feel like there is a real culture of dependence here, and I don’t know what to do with it.

B: There is a culture of dependence.  It’s the result of centuries of colonialism and lots of other things. 

E: It’s annoying.

B: It’s worse than annoying, but do you really think your 2 years in your village will erase hundreds of years of dependent thinking?

E: Of course not.

B: Good, we’re back to figuring out what you can and can’t change.

E: Jerk.

B: Dweeb.

E: My issue is not to fix it, my issue is to not contribute to it!

B: How do you think you will be contributing to it?

E: Starting clubs, or anything by myself. Giving anything to people, even my friends.  Sharing ideas.

B: But even if that happens a little bit, think of the programs you are providing them with.  Lifeskills.  Some of the ideas in which are critical thinking, taking control of your life, and making good decisions.

E: Yeah, but I’ve already had people say things implying they can’t do this type of thing on their own, and that’s not true.  I’m not smarter than they are.

B: You aren’t smarter than them, but you are more empowered.

E: Stop throwing around development buzzwords, it’s annoying.

B: But I think it’s true.  You believe you can do these things and that they can too.  They don’t believe that yet.  That’s where you can come in.

E: And how do I do that?

B: A lot of what you are already trying to do-  Pushing people to work with you. Later on in your service, having them run more and more stuff until you can step away. 

E: -sigh-

B: It’s not something you can really put on your to-do list for the day.  That’s where the relationship building comes in.

E: And that’s the hardest part.

B: Always.  Try inviting some teachers over for dinner on the weekend, or actually using your soccer ball for once.  Talk with people instead of taking pictures of goats all the time :P

E: Fine, fine.  I’ll start when it’s not 500 degrees outside.

B: -facepalm-

Edit: I should give credit to my best friend Babs for supplying most of my brain's side of this conversation, via a conversation she and I had a few days ago.  ^_^