I came back from 2 weeks of Peace Corps training yesterday,
to a house that was a little sandy and full of dead bugs. Apparently my mosquito net functions even
when I’m not using it. I was exhausted when I got back, from traveling for close
to 7 hours with way too much stuff; I had to bring clothes for 2 weeks (really
1 and laundry soap), laptop, chargers, shoes… and then Peace Corps gave me a
ton of training materials. Which is
good, except I had to carry it all home.
I was also exhausted from training itself; we covered a LOT of stuff, it
was emotionally and mentally exhausting, and now I’m back by myself at my
site. So I went to bed super early and
slept almost 12 hours.
And now I’m taking a chill day, marathoning Harry Potter
movies and listening to the rain. Then
while I was in another room, a woman walked into my kitchen and almost took
stuff except that I discovered her, having heard doors opening and closing. She didn’t speak English, but I made it very
clear that this was NOT okay, and that she needed to leave. And I got my keys, locked all the doors as
she kept speaking in Setswana or Sekalagadi, the latter I think, and then shut
myself inside and locked the door. Ugh.
And I as I sat listening to the rain, I asked myself for the
hundredth time what the hell I’m doing here, and is it really worth it. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself that I like
my village, because I’m sure not having warm fuzzy feelings about it right now.
And then I realized that it’s that I don’t have any friends
here. I don’t really feel welcome. I don’t really feel unwelcome either, except
when people are asking for stuff, or like today, physically trying to take my
stuff. I feel slightly welcomed at Lempu
by the teachers, but the village on a whole kind of feels like a collective
shrug. I came home yesterday wondering
if anyone knew that I was gone.
Some people are nice to me, some are rude, and most don’t
care. I don’t really have friends yet. And I think that’s the hardest thing right
now. It’s not the village itself, its
remoteness, or weather, or the goats. It’s
just feeling like an outsider, still. I
got a lot of training the past few days and a bit of a better idea of what I
can do here work-wise. But what I want
and miss the most is friends. I think
they will come, but it will take lots of time.
So I guess I get to work on patience and being out-going, even if I feel
like hibernating when people demand I give them things.
I don’t really know how to end this well, except to say that
my village and I are a work in progress :P
I think your feelings are completely normal and valid. I would be concerned if you weren't feeling that way. You are correct when you say that things like friendship and intergrating with the community will come with time. Be patient both with yourself and the community. This phase will be a challenge but eventually it will be over and you'll realize that the village has become your home. It's hard now but don't give up and know that we all have faith that you can make it through this. I bet that there was once a time you felt this way about Blacksburg or Atlanta... but remember that those times also ended and those places became home.
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