Down in the dumps, and climbing back out

I think whenever people picture Peace Corps volunteers, they get images of women with long hair and/or men that haven't shaved in a while, playing with foreign kids in front of their hut in (insert country here).  You hear stories of building libraries and playgrounds, digging wells, starting programs from nothing that revolutionize (insert sector here) of said country.
That happens. Every day I get bouncy kids in my yard playing with some sports equipment donated from an international non profit, and when my mom was here, she took lots of those types of pictures. I live in a cement house instead of a hut, and my hair is in a bun, but close enough.
I haven't built anything. Not really planning on it. I haven't started any ground-breaking programs in my little rural village. Luckily we have water, so I don't need to mobilize well digging efforts.

What a lot of people don't realize is that often a PCV feels like they are getting absolutely nothing accomplished, especially in the first year of service. And then it becomes weird when friends and family back home say things like, we are so proud of you!! And internally I'm all like, for what? I haven't left my house in 2 days. The things I'm trying at school aren't working. I feel like I can't communicate with most of my village. I'm not exactly sure what I'm being congratulated on. Not self-destructing? Hanging on some days by a thread? Usually those things don't merit celebrations. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the support and love from my family and friends in the states- quite the opposite, you guys are my strength to keep going a lot of the time. But sometimes my brain goes weird places.

June sucked for me. A lot. While I felt like a made a little progress my first term of school (Jan-March), I feel like most of that was erased the second term, or at least stagnated. This was because of a lot of things. I had raised my expectations for the second term. My counterpart got sick and spent the whole term in the capital getting medical care. Sports took over the world and made it really hard to meet with kids outside of class. It got cold... which threw off my whole routine and everything that I had adjusted to in country. It made it much harder to get out of bed in the mornings, and all of the sudden my evenings, where I usually had my downtime in a nice temperature, became freezing and I just wanted to get in bed. I got homesick. I was dealing with the stress of moving across the village. And when I briefly pondered the idea of ETing (early termination of my service), I realized that I wouldn't be any happier back in the States, because I'd be really mad at myself for quitting. So then I kind of sank into a depression for a few weeks because I could see no good way out.

During this point, I didn't post much because I didn't know what to say, or how to say it without freaking out people back home. I did reach out to friends and family back home and friends here in Bots. And I decided that if I still felt this crappy a month later, after a family vacation and a GLOW camp, that I'd go to PC medical and talk to someone.

I think my lowest point was actually on my birthday. This was because I was super homesick, I stupidly decided to spent the day alone (dumb. very very dumb.), I had kids climbing my fence and bugging me, and I had no water, electricity, or internet. But I was able to talk to my mom, and that helped a lot. I visited friends a few days later for the 4th of July. And then Mom and our friend Carol came and we had an amazing vacation. I was a little worried that I'd be even sadder when they left, but luckily I had a GLOW camp to run 2 days later, and that turned out to be the thing that pulled me out of my depression the most. I finally felt like I was doing something really special, making a difference with kids, and having a lot of fun to boot.

I feel like myself again now. I'm excited for school starting up again, and I'm trying to take more initiative to interact with kids at school- teaching some classes, clubs if they happen, and just -being- on the school grounds more after hours to hang out with students. I tried all of the formal structures before, and now I'm adding my own informal ideas, because I can't always get formal stuff to work on a regular basis. I'm trying to plan a big camp for my school at the end of term, since I've realized that's something I love doing.

Basically, I'm a little more aware of my mental health now. I'll call people to talk if I need to, or ask friends to pray for me. I'll take a mental health weekend in Gabs if I need civilization and good food, even if I spend a small amount of my own American money. I'm planning future trips and trying to remember that I haven't failed at life if something I try doesn't work.

It also helps that I know I've made it 11 months, and that I have 15 months to go instead of say, 22. I'm enjoying my time here, but I also don't want time to stop. I am a little happier with each month that passes, knowing I've made it another month, and I'm another month closer to being home. But I am also trying to live in the moment as well. I don't want to wish away my time here, because I chose to come, and I am enjoying what I'm doing and the experience overall.

I don't know how to end this, except to say I feel like I'm in a good place, mental health wise, and in my service. May was rough, June sucked in a lot of ways, but things got way better in July and August.